5 and a bit years on.

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I have loads of thoughts and reflections from the last 5 years, but 4  more and I’ll stop.

1: No pattern. I have no pattern to being involved in a church in the way I understood ‘pattern’ six years ago. I still go, but sometimes through life circumstances, sporadically. I still use a spiritual director, still go once a year on a wilderness retreat, but many of the things I thought were a pattern and had been for years have gone, and ‘I still haven’t found what I’m looking for’…

2: Freedom. The feeling of being ‘free’ is still glorious- knowing that weekends are 2 days long and that there are 7 evenings in a week that I have to account for to no one: ‘ought’ and ‘should’ have largely disappeared from my lexicon. Being able to support my children playing cricket over the last 5 years has been lovely without it being somehow ‘squeezed in’. I do not feel ‘hunted’ any more. Whilst I hesitate to say ‘never’, I never want to go back that way again.

3: I think I have ‘evening meetings PTSD’. I’ve been to one church related evening meeting in 5 years and I have no plans to go to another in the near future.  Over 15 years of evening meetings & tumbling home at past 10pm with a pile of things to do somehow burned me out. It was not sleeping after a particular traumatic meeting back over six years ago that was like a ‘road to Damascus’ moment for me- I knew, whatever the cost, that I could not continue to live my life in this way if I wanted to stay mentally healthy. I’m still involved in things in my local community, but I tend to want to leave a meeting in the evening after it lasts more than an hour: I invariably do.

4: Living…. I knew that the move would not be financially advantageous- moving out of a Manse at 49 with no assets isn’t easy. Someone at church spoke about someone still paying a mortgage at 60 as evidence that someone was less well off : I resisted saying ‘I wish I was that wealthy!’. Sometimes the feeling of dislocation , if used well is powerful: how can I minister to people who feel dislocated and that things are a struggle if I am comfortable? ‘You can’t smell it if you don’t smoke it’ is a good quote, but it is still hard though…

Here’s a 9th reason…

9: Are you happy you left and do you love what you do? Yes. I am in a rare and fortunate position of doing something I love, where the values of my work line up with my own values and where I feel supported and ‘psychologically safe’. I realise that not many in employment can say that.

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